


Dork Squad Adventures: Saga of the Duelists

by bibliophilea, GostRiley



Category: Danny Phantom, Fairly OddParents, Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series
Genre: Becky is done with your shit, Butch Hartman - Freeform, Card Games, Card Games that aren't on motorcycles, Gen, Jaden - Freeform, Objectively-Sexy Beards, Quality Sound Effects, We spent about a week on this, Why did we write this?, Wikihow, enjoy this bullshit, kill me, we all need therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:20:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21722902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bibliophilea/pseuds/bibliophilea, https://archiveofourown.org/users/GostRiley/pseuds/GostRiley
Summary: Ghostly awakens in a mysterious gymnasium and is sent on a quest to collect some tokens for an egomaniac's entertainment. With the help of two weirdos and the sound person, ze just might be able to escape this Hell.
Kudos: 4
Collections: My Non-Podfic Works





	Dork Squad Adventures: Saga of the Duelists

Ghostly was getting ready for bed. Ze was wearing a Stitch onesie with dragon wings on it. Fucking metal ™️ . Ze pulled back the covers and laid in bed, belly down so ze could actually sleep without squashing the wings. Ze closed zir eyes and fell asleep.

***

Ghostly awoke, back down, in a room ze recognized as a gymnasium. Ze rose up and saw a small, green box in front of zir. Ze picked it up and looked around, spotting three other figures and a few hairy, brown balls on the floor. Ghostly wondered if these are the ghosts of Jayden Smith’s hairy, brown balls.

One of the figures rose, and Ghostly saw her short, brown hair with purple highlights. The one next to her slowly got up, revealing their glasses and objectively-sexy beard. 

“You alright, Rage?” The brunette asked as she picked up her purple box. The one with the sexy beard, Rage, nodded.

“What happened, Riley?”

The brunette, Riley, stood up and dabbed.

“Yup, still dead inside.”

Ghostly walked up to the duo. “What the fuck is going on?”

Riley stared at zir.

“Who the fuck are you, and why do you look like a blue koala?”

“Excuse you, this is  _ Stitch!” _ Ghostly brandished zir middle fingers, pointing at zir metal wings.

“This is style, bitch!”

Rage stepped between them, becoming relevant again. “Where did that fourth person go?”

A soft drumroll of bongos sounded from the corner. Everyone turned to look, and saw a gremlin surrounded by the maybe ghosts of Jayden Smith’s hairy, brown balls (how many balls did he have?). The gremlin was surrounded by various strange instruments, weapons, shoes, and fruits, and was drumming softly on a bongo set.

“Oh, hey, Bib!” Ghostly called out. “Please don’t murder us all!”

“What the fuck,” Rage softly murmured. Bib then returned to banging on the bongos.

"The only day I don't have my Kazoo ™️ ." Rage said sadly.

One of the hairy, brown balls tooted “wah wah waaaaah” on a kazoo (not  ™️) to mirror Rage’s sadness.

Bib then banged on the bongos more urgently, and the only door then cracked open to reveal Elmer “Birch Tree Fartman” Hartman. He stepped inside with a spring in his step. “HELLO, HARTFANS!” He pulled a folded parasol and spun it around like a cane. He walked up to the main trio and smacked Riley in the head with his parasol. Bib hit a rag on a wooden block with a THWAP! for added effect. Riley rubbed her head and spun around to look for something.

“Where are my Keyblade and bus?” Elmer laughed.

Ghostly frowned at him, hitching zir shoulders to raise zir metal dragon wings menacingly. It was wicked cool ™️ . “What the fuck are you talking about, Fartman?”

“Sorry, Hartfans, but you have to play a little game to get out of here.” He spun his parasol and opened it with a woosh (caused by Bib waving a towel in front of the mic), blocking the trio’s sight. “You must play a children’s card game to get out of here!” Riley moved forward to punch him, but Elmer jumped up and levitated in the air using his parasol. Bib delegated a couple of the hairy, brown balls to make 60’s sci fi humming levitation noises. They couldn’t do  _ everything _ by themselves.

“Get back here and phight me, Birch Tree!” Riley screeched. Elmer smiled.

“Defeat my five duelists and then get back here. I’ll only let you leave then.” Ghostly glanced at Riley and Rage, who seemed extremely familiar with Elmer’s bullshit.

“You’re on, Elmer’s Glue.” Riley opened her purple box and pulled out the cards inside.

Tense cello played in the background as Bib put away the bongos.

"Boo on the pun!!" Rage yelled.

“Fuck off! You’re supposed to be my best friend!”

"I know, but I got standards when it comes to puns!!" Elmer held up his right hand. The cello immediately ceased.

“The damage you take in each duel will become real. Have fun, Hartfans!”

***

Because Riley’s lazy, everyone exited the building and headed away from it. What was there? Who the hell knew? Certainly not the writers. The writers just hoped it wasn’t Canon Mpreg Cosmo.

“Wanda, I have a backache! Could you get me some alphabet soup?”

Riley and Ghostly raised their left arms, manifesting Duel Disks ™️. “Get ready for anything,” Rage mouthed. They didn’t have a Duel Disk™️ because they didn’t play card games like an immature badass.

The Dreaded Canon Mpreg Cosmo turned to face the trio. He was holding a banana to his ear like a phone. “Wanda, it’s gonna have to wait a little bit, looks like The Almighty Butch Hartman sent me some Hartfans! That’s even better than alphabet soup!”

He then folded the banana in half and shoved the whole thing in his mouth with a squishing sound made by Bib shoving their hands in recently cooked spaghetti.

“Man, these cravings are driving me bananas!” Canon Mpreg Cosmo cried, and then shoved more bananas in his mouth. He then raised his left hand in the air, summoning a Duel Disk™️ made out of Bananas and Wand Magic.

“Let’s D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-”

“We get it! Let’s D-d-d-d-d-duel!” Riley cried. She pulled five cards from her deck. “I summon Fairy Archer (Lv3, 1400 ATK/ 600 DEF, LIGHT) in Attack Mode.” The monster appeared on the field. 

“Oh hey, that’s Becky! I know her! Hi Becky! Remember the baby shower?”

Becky scoffed and shot him (using her effect to deal 400 damage for each LIGHT monster on Riley’s field). “That’s for shaving my dog, you jerk!”

Cosmo flinched and curled protectively around his belly. “Wait, not the baby!”

Because of this, the attack hit him in his crown, dealing 4x the damage.

“If you surrender, we’ll stop, okay?” Rage offered.

“But I can’t stop! The Great and Powerful Butch Hartman told me to- ooh, is that a puppy? I love puppies!”

And then Canon Mpreg Cosmo flitted away, backache and crown-ache forgotten, to chase after (and possibly shave) the poor puppy. On the ground was a small token. Ghostly picked it up. A pretty jingle (almost as if Bib had run their hands up and down a row of windchimes) sounded.

“I guess this is how we prove we won?” Riley and Rage shrugged. Bib gave a thumbs up.

***

Riley then used her authorial powers to time-skip again, sending the group to the base of a volcano (which bubbled with the sound of boiling polenta). Rage blinked at her.

“Why don’t you use those more often?”

“I’m lazy. Shut the fuck up before I make something worse happen.”

“But what could be worse than Canon Mpreg Cosmo?” Ghostly asked.

“Elmer’s™️ Diaper™️ Fetish™️.”

A very sad and humiliated Danny Fenton dressed as the Casper High Baby stepped forward.

“Just get it over with. Tucker’s filming. This is already humiliating enough.”

“You don’t wanna be here, and I don’t wanna be here,” Riley began. “If you give us your token, I can rewrite all of this, and get rid of Elmer’s Fetish.”

Danny’s eyes widened with the first sign of hope he’d felt since 2004. “You can do that? That’s great! But you gotta know, it’s not just Hartman, he’s just the face! It’s-”

Suddenly, a cane whipped across everyone’s field of vision, YOINKing Danny and his Diaper™️ costume away from the battlefield with a slide-whistle noise provided by Bib. A token tumbled to the ground with a soft clinking sound as Bib rattled a penny. Riley snapped her fingers. “I’ll at least keep my end of the bargain.”

“How and where did you get those powers?” Ghostly asked.

“Offscreen with a tutorial from WikiHow.”

Bib made the wooshing noise. Time to time skip away.

***

The next skip brought them in front of a giant-ass castle.

“Great…” Ghostly muttered. “What’s next? A TUFF Puppy character?”

“Oh god no,” Rage said. “Please god no.”

“There is no god here, mortal fools. Only me.”

From nowhere, pink-ish smoke covered the scene. Lightning flashed. And as the thunder boomed, Vlad™️ Motherfucking™️ Plasmius™️ Masters™️ appeared before them.

(From the distance, a small voice cried, “Over my dead fucking body, Vlad!”)

“Oh, Daniel, we’ll get there when we get there.” He turned to the trio, and Bib and the brown, hairy balls played very tense music. “For now, as you kids say,  **_VIBE CHECK!_ ** ”

Vlad lunged at the trio, shooting an enormous pink ectoblast at them. How would our heroes ever escape this conundr-

***

Vlad™️ Motherfucking™️ Plasmius™️ Masters™️ (“Not my mother, you fucker!”) laid on the ground, tied up in some green ropes.

“Wow, that was an epic phight,” Rage commented.

“Totally, imagine what people watching would’ve seen!” Ghostly added.

“Did y’all see when Rage threw the net, and Ghostly flew and suplexxed Vlad?” Riley asked. “Fucking metal™️.”

“We fucking  **_VIBE CHECK_ ** ed his ass,” Ghostly crowed. Ze picked the token out of Vlad’s secret stash of Pocky™️ sticks. “Next place, Riley!”

Riley snapped her fingers, and they time-skipped once more.

***

They stood in front of a beautiful house. Rage walked up to the door and knocked. Mr. Dinkleberg opened the door with a creak generated by Bib opening a creaky door (hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it).

“Hey, kids! Are you collecting those tokens Mr. Hartman sent out?” The trio nodded, and Dinkleberg fished the token from his pocket and handed it to Rage. “Have fun, kids!”

Bib hit the Staples™️ Easy™️ Button™️. “That was easy!”

***

The group time-skipped back to the gym. Mr. Turner stood in front of them. “I bet Dinkleberg just gave you the token!”

Ghostly stepped forward. “No, we had to fight that evil man.”

Mr. Turner smiled. “At least someone agrees with me! Take this token!” Mr. Turner then left, and Bib began a drumroll as Elmer descended from the pixelated heavens.

“We’ve got your tokens. Now let us go,” Ghostly said. Riley presented the tokens. A gentle chiming as the hairy balls rang bells sounded through the air.

“Not so fast, Hartfans! You did a great job collecting those tokens - I didn’t even see that battle with my vampire son, but I hear it was epic - but now…”

Butch Hartman’s head grew in size until it engulfed his body, and then continued to grow until it was the size of a small building. His eyes began to glow with a harsh, dangerous red light. His voice boomed as he spoke once more:

“You’ll have to go through me.”

His eyes suddenly brightened to a blinding wattage, and powerful red lasers burst from them, headed towards the trio, crackling with the sound of flames as one of the brown, hairy balls set another on fire for the sound effects.

Riley stepped to the front of the trio, smirking as she raised her fingers to snap and generate another time skip-

**_RECORD SCRATCH_ **

Everyone froze. Butch Hartman’s face continued to smirk, but his lasers progressed no further. Ghostly and Rage could not move from their battle-ready positions. Riley could not bring her fingers closer together, let alone snap them. The air itself didn’t move. The silence was deafening.

Then clipped, precise footsteps echoed behind them, slowly getting louder as someone approached. They could not turn their heads, but the figure slowly entered their fields of vision, stockinged feet making no noise, but a brown, hairy ball trailing behind them, clacking a shoe against a wooden board with every step.

“I bet you’re wondering how you ended up in this situation,” Bib said with a smirk.

The trio could only look on, expressions unchanging, only their eyes showing a mix of surprise and betrayal as Bib paced before them.

“I was a lonely child. No one my age was interested in my stories, nor my mathematical prowess, except for the help I gave them in school. I thought they were my friends - but the moment we didn’t have class together? Zero contact. Zip. Nil. And I was fine with that, for a time - I still had my stories, and I still had my math.”

They chuckled evilly and sighed.

“But alas, these things cannot totally make up for the joys of human contact. Making friends online later in life certainly helped, but you can’t hug an online friend. Not physically, not when you’re not physically  _ there. _ ”

They stopped pacing, taking the tokens from Riley’s hand, and turned to face the trio, still locked in place.

“But I was determined. I honed my authorial and mathematical powers to create this dimension, and to ensure that those who entered could not leave it - not without  _ my _ permission.”

Their face took on an almost innocent look, and their tone turned hopeful.

“I did all this for us, you see, so we could be friends. irl friends! This dimension is kinda shitty right now, but it can be  _ anything _ . Anything, as long as the mind or math can conceive of it. Can you imagine the worlds we could build? The fun we could have? Can you imagine how good it’d feel to hug a friend  _ in real life? _ ”

Bib snapped their fingers, and unfroze the heads of the trio.

“What say you?”

“I’m gonna have to pass,” Riley said.

“Mood,” Rage and Ghostly chorused.

“Look, I get where you’re coming from,” Riley continued. “I really do, but we’ve got lives outside of this world. Well…” She frowned. “Ghostly and Rage have lives, and I have two cats and a shit-ton of anime to catch up on. I’m going to have to ask that you let us go right now.”

Bib’s eyes turned hard.

“Then perish.”

They snapped, and the laser rushed at Riley, Rage, and Ghostly full force, scattering the trio.

Rage flew forward as soon as their feet hit the ground. They fished a kazoo from their pocket and proceed to shittily toot out “Megalovania.”

Ghostly flew up with the help of zir dragon wings, soaring majestically like an ostrich.

Riley summoned a blob ghost doll and YOTE it at Bib. “ **_VIBE CHECK._ ** ”

Bib, of course, dodged the doll, letting it hit the wall behind them and explode with an almost big enough blast to make Michael Bay blush.

“Cool people don’t look back at explosions,” Bib said coolly, not looking back at the Bay-esque explosion. They lifted their arms, and the hairy, brown balls rose as one.

Bib snapped their fingers.

And the balls, each wielding an instrument of mass destruction (or at least of some specific foley work), began to spiral in Fibonacci curves, yeeting themselves towards Riley, Rage, and Ghostly.

“Oh shit. They’re using their Math Powers,” Riley yelled. “I suck at Math!” She then got tackled by one of the balls.

Ghostly dodged the hairy ball going after zir and grabbed it to YEET back at Bib.

Rage blocked the hairy balls attacking them with their kazoo… Somehow. What the fuck.

Riley burst out of her hairy-ball prison and snapped her fingers, summoning several blob ghosts. The blob ghosts then tackled each of the hairy balls.

“Bib, stop!” Ghostly yelled. “We’re supposed to be friends, goddammit!”

“Then why can’t I hug you?” Bib cried, cradling their leg where the hairy, brown ball Ghostly had YOTE back at Bib had hit them.

“Bib, we’re-” Ghostly shouted, but then was cut off by a powerful, booming voice.

“I am being ignored!” Butch Hartman crowed. “YOU WILL NOT LIKE ME WHEN I’M BEING IGNORED!”

Butch Hartman (or rather, his massive head) began to spin wildly, chaotically even.

“Oh no, Butch, stop! I command you!” Bib shouted. “You’re not allowed to use Devaney chaos! This realm can’t survive it! Stop!”

But it was too late. Butch Hartman’s head laughed madly as he spun, and his eyes glowed red with laser-fire.

“Okay, let’s stop for a minute.” Riley snapped their fingers, freezing everything, except herself and Bib. “What’ll happen if this dimension falls apart while we’re in here? I don’t know anything about Math, but I’m gonna assume everything is gonna go to shit, right?”

Bib nodded. “Basically. We will get yote from the dimension eventually, but the Devaney chaos and the destruction of the dimension itself would completely scramble our very molecules. If I were more of an evil scientist, I’d probably let it happen and cackle evilly as we all self-destruct. But that’s not what I want.”

“I’ve got a very stupid idea. Let’s combine your Math Powers with my Authorial Powers to beat Hartman. In theory, there’s enough power between the two of us to kick his ass.” Riley paused. “But it’s a bit of a longshot, and it’ll be very draining. Are you in?”

Bib looked down. They sighed. Then they looked up at Riley, pushing their glasses up their nose so their glasses did the Anime Glasses Glare. They reached out their hand.

“I’ve got the inverse function if you’ve got the word-go-powers-thing- you know what I mean.”

“It’s okay, Bib. I have no idea what you said either, but let’s do this.” Riley snapped their fingers, and time began to flow again, indicated by Butch Hartman’s gigantic head spinning around again. “We’ve got one shot at this! Get ready, Bib!” Riley’s fists glowed bright purple as they rose up.

Bib, who was left hanging for the handshake, awkwardly lifted their hand towards their hair, before snapping to attention at Riley’s words and Butch’s (Devaney) chaotic spinning. They nodded, smiling wistfully, and balled their fists, slowly lifting them with bright blue and green power. The hairy, brown balls rose with their fists, glowing with the same power.

“Three…”

“Two…”

“One…”

“ **_VIBE CHECK!_ ** ” Riley and Bib both screamed together, yeeting themselves and the hairy, brown balls towards the swollen head of Butch Hartman with mathematical precision and with words that could make doves cry. Somewhere in their home dimension, Prince rolled in his grave (Rest in Peace You God of Music).

The blue, green, and purple energy manifested into the shape of a Giant, Hairy, Brown Ball. The Giant, Hairy, Brown Ball struck Butch, banishing him back to Earth. The writers cried with the doves, for now Butch Hartman was once more in their dimension. Bib and Riley then collapsed because they’re both fucking weak and need to get some of them sick-ass gains.

Riley slowly rose up, groaning. “Holy fuck. We won.”

Bib slowly worked themself up to a kneeling position on the ground, defeated, utterly spent. They looked down at their now powerless fists, clenched and trembling.

“I just wanted some irl friends, you know?” Their voice was thick with unshed tears.

The trio looked down at them amid the wreckage, unsure of what to do. Then Ghostly stepped forwards.

“Bib, what the fuck? We’re gonna meet up in like nine days.” Ghostly reached out a hand to Bib.

Bib wiped away their tears, and sighed, and took Ghostly’s hand.

“Yeah, I know. I was just being impatient.”

They stood with Ghostly’s help, leaning into zir as their leg buckled. With their free hand, they brandished a toy knife, slashing it through the air. A portal opened to the sound of one of the hairy, brown balls tearing paper.

“Let’s go home.”

***

Ghostly woke with a start.

“What a strange dream,” ze muttered. Then ze looked at the clock. It was only 10 minutes before ze was set to get up. Ze rested for a few more minutes, and then got up to look for zir cat, careful of the metal as fuck dragon wings stitched to zir back.

Ze didn’t see the quickly-closing portal beneath zir bed.


End file.
